she tells everyone, that she hates me because I made her dad leave. she also tells me that I am mean, and she loves her daddy more, and will I be nice to her dad so she can live with him???
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i divorcing my ex, but he wont show up for court what should i do?
You cant stop him only a judge can, u need to call ur lawyer and tell them whats going on and to ask for a child addilitem to be put in place, supervised visitations, and for your soon to be x husband to take parenting classes as well.. this is emotional abuse to your child.. , if that didnt work then id with hold visitation until a judge orders u to give him visitation, at 3 years of age, out of sight out of mind.. although she’ll miss her daddy being away from his negative influence will help in forgetting the things to say, also dont react to the things she says in front of her.. just like when a child says a cuss word for the first time, if they get a response out of u, they will keep saying it to keep getting that response.. so just pretend u didnt hear anything and she’ll eventually stop saying it.. I’d probably even go as far as sending a formal letter to my x explaining that do to the fact that he is intentionally trying to harm ur child by trying to put her in the middle that until a judge says otherwise u may only see her with you present or someone else present in your place perhaps at a park for a couple hours.. and that if he trys to continue to put her in the middle then u will revoke all visitation until a judge can sort this out..
AND DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is called PAS parent alienation syndrome where one parent tries to turn the child against the other.
DO’S
DO…take off the gloves and demand immediate action by the court to STOP the abuse of your child. Remind the Court in the strongest terms possible that your child’s life, mental health, and their continued on going relationship with you is at stake AND that if they don’t intervene immediately the chances of ever saving your child and your relationship together will be ZERO.
DO…start to immediately educate yourself, your lawyer, your judge, your psychologist, and your child, if possible, about PAS. This is one of the most widespread forms of emotional child abuse there is arising out of our family court system today and there are at least 1,000 internet websites for you to obtain information from about PAS.
DO…fully prepare yourself for your court presentation about PAS. To do this you should print and make several copies of all the information on PAS you find on these websites and put them in at least four (4) separate booklets and entitle them. "URGENT & IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR THE COURT ON PAS What you need to know about the abuse of my child to save him/her and me from a lifetime of pain and suffering." Before you go into Court you should give one of these booklets to your lawyer and your psychologist while keeping one for yourself and the Court. If you have a flair for the dramatic to make your point you can also add a reprint of my website home page with my daughter’s picture and number of days I have not seen her because of PAS and the Court’s refusal to intervene to stop her abuse. At the top of the page you should also write in big letters …."I DO NOT INTEND TO ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO ME AND MY CHILD"
DO…tell the Court if they don’t act immediately to stop your child’s abuse, you will take your PAS case and all the proof and evidence you provided the court on your child’s PAS condition to the local newspapers and T.V. stations AND you will post your case and judge’s name on all the PAS internet websites for the whole world to see how derelict the court was in not carrying out its responsibility to protect your child from your former spouse’s severe emotional abuse and the permanent destruction of you and your child’s relationship together.
DO…trust your own instincts as a parent to do what is in the best interests of your child when confronted with this PAS problem…AND…if the court won’t protect your child’s interests, then you will protect his/her interests yourself. This you will do by public exposure of your case to the media until the Court does protect your child’s interests as the law requires them to do. It may take a long time but you must never ever give up the fight.
DO…continue to reach out to your PAS affected child no matter how many times they tell you how much they hate you and never want to see you again. While they may say these things to you, the fact is they really don’t hate you and actually yearn desperately to see you again, but those feelings are not allowed any expression by the abusing parent.
DO…keep your faith intact at all times. Always take the high road to fight and solve this problem.
DON’TS
DON’T…trust or count on ANYONE to know anything about PAS or to try and help you save your child and your relationship together. Almost all lawyers, judges, psychologists and court mediators who are involved in your case know absolutely NOTHING about PAS and even if they did, would probably not have the time or ability to fully understand your case and how important it is for court intervention to stop your child’s PAS abuse. In most PAS cases, none of these people really care about helping you and your child either.
DON’T…delude yourself into thinking that your family court, judge, lawyer, psychologist, or anyone else really wants to look out for and protect the best interests of your child. Do not trust or count on ANYONE to properly educate themselves on PAS. This is particularly true about your former spouse, family court judges, and court appointed psychologists. You must do all this research and education about PAS yourself to pass on to all the people involved in your case.
DON’T…allow the court or anyone else to intimidate you. You will be challenged at every turn and told you don’t know what you are talking about when you mention PAS. Many will also tell you that PAS is nothing more than a figment of your imagination and that it has never been proven and doesn’t even exist in the Psychiatric Association’s Bible of mental and psychiatric disorders known as DSM-IV. Some of these people will further tell you that this is only a "pipe dream" invented by Dr. Richard Gardner to sell his books. Do not believe a word these people tell you and never give in to their intimidating tactics to discredit you, PAS, or Dr. Gardner.
DON’T…allow the court or anyone else to delay or prolong your court hearing on this matter. The longer this PAS abuse goes on with your child, the more difficult it will be for you to do anything to stop it. If it goes on for too long without court intervention (6 months or more) then your chances of ever re-establishing a normal healthy relationship with your child will start to approach ZERO.
DON’T…engage in any kind of retaliatory brainwashing PAS abuse of your child yourself. The temptation is always there to "fight fire with fire" when you are being attacked and maligned by your former spouse, BUT DON’T EVER DO IT. REMEMBER what I said before: Always take the high moral ground for your child and if you want to get angry and verbally attack someone, get angry and attack the people who are doing this to your child. Never get angry at your child for how he/she is behaving or in any other way do anything to further hurt your child. You must be able to walk a fine-line always trusting in yourself and your faith to see and fight this thing through for the ultimate best interests of your child and yourself.
DON’T…ever GIVE UP no matter how many well meaning and/or not so well meaning people tell you to do so. You will constantly hear people tell you that you should merely give up the fight to save your child from PAS and wait until they grow up and find out for themselves how badly they were abused by your former spouse and the court. This would be the same as letting your child drown until they learned how to swim themselves. You have a solemn duty to protect your children and thus you cannot ever shirk from that duty.
i’m sooo sorry for your pain. i would die in that position…BUT….you need to be strong. she needs your strength more than you know. your daughter is devasted by your break-up with daddy and this is how she is coping with it. she doesn’t hate you, please know this. if you and dad can come to an agreement to help her through this, you would be easing her pain tremendously. he needs to be there for her. he needs to be a man and show that he loves his daughter enough to not let his anger for you destroy her love for you. it’s time for him to grow up and be the responsible parent. she didn’t choose to be born…both of you chose it. just love her and she WILL heal. i send my love to all of you.
Three things could help.
1st – Let the child work it out in play therapy. Young children often blame the parent they live with the most, which is usually the mother. Children assume mothers take care of everyone and everything, so they become angry that mom can’t fix this one. A child assumes that mom could fix it, if she just ‘loved me enough’, so since she’s not fixing it, I will just love dad more.
2nd – Read the book – Joint Custody with a Jerk..Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex by Julie A. Ross
ISBN – 0-312-14113-0
3rd. -If at all possible, see a counselor with the Ex. around this behavior. Children speak what they hear, and then model it later. Remember you know your ex. as well as he knows himself. What string could you pull to get him to join you for counseling around the best interests of the child?
Good luck!
Karin
Tell your husband that he failed to keep a good woman(that is you) in a committed marriage. And now is demonstrating his incompetence and inability to comprehend life changing situations. Tell him and this would make a lesser man more mad, that if he couldn’t over come his weaknesses, now he is stooping that low to corrupt a child(who at this age are no less than angels and absolutely impressionable) to mouth his thoughts and words. Even animals don not teach their offsering wrong moves so that they fail, he is training his child to be a misfit in this society as he seems to be.
Your decision to stay away from this person seems to be more correct. Tell him its over and stop harming his life further more by corrupting a child. What does he think that such teachings would not come back one day and bite him in the back. May be your husband could not deal with the blow and is devastated himself but using children as weapons to harm partners is not excusable
Using children as an expendable pawn during a divorce is the most abominable thing any parent can do to their child…and yet it happens every day. Your husband wishes to attack you with his own child being the messenger. You cannot stop him but you can try to stay as far away from him as possible during this time. It may also be a good idea to seek the aid of a counsellor for your own sanity. This is hopefully something you can share there and have some good advice on how to handle it forthcoming.
Above all, do not take this personally! He is playing a dangerous game with the mind of a 3 year old but he will lose in the end. Let us pray she doesn’t! Thank God you got rid of this vermin.
kids arent that hard to manipulate. just continue telling her u love her. hug her a lot. tell her you want to live with her, to counteract what he says about you. just dont stoop as low as him and tell her lies like her daddy hates her.. it will confuse her more.
also buy her lots of nice gifts and toys. kids love that. im sure he is doing the same thing.
Just tell her that it isn’t true that you still love her daddy but in a different way now! Plus, try not to talk bad about her Daddy in front or near her!! In due time, she will come to her senses. I’m divorce for about 6 yrs and the ex still lies and tell my kids different things and I just bite my tongue. My son who is now 14yrs is starting to figure out the truth about his Dad on his own terms. Now, my twins girls will have to do the same! It is the hardest thing to do, too! Good luck!
The idea that a grown man would talk to a 3 year old this way is appalling; or a child of any age for that matter. Are you really concerned that he will do this? If you see a change in your 3 year old’s attitude towards you, then I would take him to court and seek full custody, or at least supervised visatations…but this would be a hard thing to prove. So, best wishes to you and I am so sorry about your divorce. I am also divorced and it is a very painful thing to go through for the entire family.
If your husband is telling her these things, let your attorney know. He will let your husbands’ attorney know and it will put hiim on notice.
When you’re daughter starts talking like that, just tell her that you love her and that it’s not a nice thing to say.
You could also get her into some sort of child counseling.
Really all u can do is tell her that you love her and that you didnt make her daddy leave. Parents will do just about anything to get the kid to like them more… its crazy. Hopefully when the divorce is over and things settle down the two of you can start to get along with each other for the sake of the child.
woman u need to put your foot down! if he is doing that u can use that against him while your going threw a divorce,all u have to do is tell your lawyer, your lawyer will get ahold of his lawyer, there will be stipulations and if your husband doesnt stop your lawyer can stop visitation!! trust i been threw it!!!dont let him do this,your child is tooo young to be going threw that! if you let it keep going on,then your just as wrong!!! good luck!!!
Don’t sweat it,it’ll pass. She has no clue what she’s saying. My ex always told my kids to hate me and to not listen to me,my kids are in their 20′s now and they can’t stand HIM. Everything has a way of working itself out and the more you stress over it,the worse it gets. Chill.
You have to talk to your daughter. You have to tell her that you love her and nothing is going to change that but you cannot be with her dad anymore. You might want to go to couseling with her. She is a child and does not understand. Don’t let her treat you like that.
Tell your lawer that and take her to family couceling my ex mother in law hates her father for leaving with another women and her mother for allowing that. Im not trying to scare you but take care of it now before it gets too late and your husband is wrong for doing that unless your daughter knows whats going on and is a daddys girl !! sorry and good luck
Woah. that child needs to be kept from her father. A psychologist may help…
My sister recently went through this. Ask the judge to make it part of the divorce settlement that niether parent is aloud to badmouth the other parent in front of the child. The child is not to hear anything negative about either of you from each other. He’s poisoning your baby.
are you sure that he’s telling her that? she may just be interpreting what she’s seen through her 3-year-old perspective: mommy and daddy fight, daddy leaves the house, mommy must have made him leave.
if he is telling her that, tell your lawyer. in many states, badmouthing the other parent in front of the child can be estopped by a court order. it doesn’t always work, but you can try.
Well your daughter is 3 years old, umm she really has no idea what is actually going on, only that your husband is filling her head with alot of nonsense. He is very immature actually for even telling your daughter those things cause what kind of parenting is that? Your daughter doesnt know what the difference is with custody and the best solution you can do is bring her to a consuelor with your ex husband present to work this out and definitely bring it up in court cause this is a foul move for an adult
wow – that’s horrible. i know alot of people use their children when going through a divorce as an emotional tool….and it’s a horrible thing. divorce is hard enough on children without the emotional manipulation. if i were you, i would take the issue before a judge or mention it to your lawyer and see if there’s anything you can do.
thats sick let her know that you love her
I would mention what he is doing to your lawyer and have the judge change his visitation to supervised. He shouldn’t be doing that no matter what is going on between you and him.
you kind of brought this on yourself… and he’s not necessarily telling her to say this.
Go to family therapy.