We got married about 8 months ago. Recently she told me that she was unhappy with our marriage. It sort came out of nowhere, and caught me by surprise. She feels like I’m not attracted to her enough, and that we don’t have a lot in common. She also has started hanging out with her work friends a lot. In fact this conversation happened the night after she had gone out with them for the first time. The thing is I’ve really helped this girl with whatever is shes wanted to do, but it’s never been good enough. I feel like she always is looking at it like the "grass is greener." I know I love her, but i admit I am not as willing to deal with her whining and unhappiness as much as I used to be. Lately I tend to agree we don’t have much in common. I have a lot of hobbies, but she has no interest in any of them. She often says that I never want to do the things she wants to, but she never really wants to do much of anything unless I make a plan for it. When we talk now it is very awkward, and i find myself having little or nothing to say to her. I can do the small talk till the cows come home, but this my wife I feel like it should be deeper. The thing is she kind of wants to separate, and I’m actually not that broken up about it. I feel like my life would be so much simpler, and less stressful without her. I think she feels the same way also, but we both still love each other just maybe not enough. I said we should go to a marriage councilor, and she’ll go so long as I found one and set it up. I worry this girl has may just not be the one, any advice would be great.
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WOW. This totally sounds like my ex-marriage. We dated for 5 yrs and our marriage lasted 10 months….not to scare you….
I lost my last husband for the very same thing. The truth of the matter is, he was right. And YOU are right. You have interests and hobbies and she doesn’t realize she’s dependent on YOU for her entertainment and happiness. She’s not happy with herself, but probably doesn’t really realize it. She’s bored with her life and she thinks she’s bored with YOU because she put YOU as the center of her life. I don’t know what it is about being a girl but for some reason guys become EVERYTHING when we fall in love. You probably liked that she dug you so much before all this, but its actually way unhealthy for her.
This IS, however, a marriage that can be saved — but she’s seriously gotta get a life. You guys don’t talk because she has nothing to say. She’s frustrated cause she doesn’t do anything interesting. She needs to be more interested in her work, her hobbies, or something other than "what is he thinking?" or how uninterested she is in YOUR hobbies. Do NOT get pregnant that is NOT the answer. This is VERY common especially if you guys are in your twenties. She needs to do the things SHE’S always wanted to do in her life and other things to preoccupy her mind than how bored she is about you. You can print this out and show it to her if you want to — I WAS HER and lost my husband over it and didn’t realize it was my fault until about 5 years later. You CAN save this….she just needs more interesting things to talk about instead of depending on YOU to be her entertainment but she doesn’t realize it so you’re going to need to TELL HER. She needs to take responsibility for her OWN lack of being interesting and make some action towards correcting it or she’s going to lose you.
Thing is, you can’t get all stupid and jealous when she starts doing really cool things without you. Let her be interested in something other than you. Might be hard to do in the beginning but she’ll be happier and you guys will have more to talk about, do, be interested in, etc.
TELL HER. Print this. I’m serious. You’ll kick yourself for not trying if you lose her and she’s completely clueless so you gotta break the news, kiddo.
Good luck and God bless.
If you’re feeling this way just seperate. You and your wife sound like me and my ex-fiance except roles were reversed, I was like you, he was like her and we never made it to the altar. If you’re not happy (and you think you’ll be much happier without her) and she’s not happy, why force it? Other than worrying about what everyone else will think there isn’t really a reason. So if you’re not worried and seriously even if you ARE, make a break. It’s not worth it.
Oh no the honeymoon is over. It doesn’t have to be the end of the marriage. You both need to make some dates together. It is great to have separate hobbies because everyone needs breathing room but it needs balance with some together time. counseling can help and it shows you care by arranging it. Go for it and hope you two lovebirds find your way back to each others hearts again.
It would help to know how old you are, but sometimes there’s this fanciful idea of being married. Then, once you get into it, its not the flowered path, you imagine. Esp if your like 21 and especially girls. People have this image of happy ever after, and the cute little house and dog. Matching towels, and dinnerware.
Its not like that. Its a lot of work, and often confining. Once real life settles in, there is disappointment. Doubts
You’ll have to give it some time. Your love may or not be strong enough to overcome the doubts.
Just dont have kids until you see where this is going.
Kids wont help your relationship.. This is another fallacy.
In fact, you need a strong "love" base, as they take a lot of your together time. Widening the gap.
It sounds like you both have some major choices to make. The way i see it is you have a couple choices you need to make
1. is it worth it?
do you think going to marriage councilling is even worth it? i mean would you be willing to continue this relationship and want to work on it? or are you just going to councilling because its something you feel like you should do?
2. i think you two should maybe talk these things out. Tell her how your feeling, your concerns and what not.
3. if you two decide to work it out maybe set up a system that once a month you two do something with each other. Like once a month you take her someplace you really like or bring her around the hobbys you really love and the next month she brings you around hers. That way you both are being reintroduced into each others lives once again. Have you two lived with each other prior to getting married? because this may just be something you two are just going through?
4. if you two decide that its not worth it maybe you two are better off as friends? obviously you both love each other enough to want to get married? you just may need to refind that spark? wild sex in the park maybe?? lol! just a suggestion
good luck!!
First i would tell you to ask your self have you given up on your relationship. It seems as if you could go either way. If thats so then you guys will end up hurting each other. If you want to keep her then Command Your Presence. – What i mean by that is you need to hear what she has to say. Really listen to what she needs. Then DO not Talk. Every one (n my opinion) needs to feel wanted by their spouse. If the fire dies you are just as much at fault. Take the lead. Do simply things that show you care and put a smile on her face. Come on to her. Not just at night right before bed. Day time diffrent places in your home. Random call or text to tell her you want her. You guys need to focus on each other and the family your building. The more you spend time apart – friends job or what eva – during this time when your not on the same page the harder it will be to get back to what made you say i do.
Im no expert ive only been married for 4 years. But my marriage is very strong and i practice the advice i’ve just given you and then some. Once you guys are back on the same page start introducing more of your Reasonable needs/wants. She will be more apt to recieve the message your are giving her as well as reciprocate the love and affection.
Marriage takes work. That’s all there is to it. There are ups and downs. When there are ups you enjoy them and when there are downs you work together to get back up. It seems you are both taking each other for granted and maybe not taking things as seriously as you should.
Its always rocky the first two years. hang in there.
Take trips, be spontaneous and surprise her . Learn to romance her
Set up the councilor and go from there . Sounds like you know you have a communication problem.
Give the marriage counselor a shot. Part of the problem is, you are spending too much time on your hobbies and not enough time on her. She sounds like a high maintenance type of woman who is also a social butterfly. So if you are the home body type and prefer working on your 1928 Ford jaloppy and she doesn’t want to get her hands dirty, you have a problem. She is now out finding substitute attention because you are not giving her enough as far as she is concerned. So when you go to counseling, try to find ways to communicate with her and find some mutual interest things. I am sure you did this before you got married.
If, after putting some effort into it, the both of you cannot find common ground, well, its probably off to divorce court.
Right now, divorce is about 3 out of every 4 marriages in the US.
I have said that also to my hubby it’s because it’s seems like his not paying enough attention to me so she might be going through the same thing as me. throw a surprise dinner for her or something do something nice for her. Make her feel special.