my hustand and i have been together for 7 years and married for almost 2years. He has 2 daughters by previous relationships (which i adore and love like my own) and we have a daughter together which is 3years. When we got together everything between us was perfect. of course i had trouble with the exs but thats normal. i moved 8 hours away from my home and family at the beach to come and start a life with him. after i moved up here (about 10 months) i found out that he cheated on me while we were having our long distance relationship with one of his daughters mother. He tried to say that he didn’t know if i was really going to move here and give up a nursing career and my family for him, so i just let it go. he didn’t want to get married because of the past relationships he was in and i did but i waited i tried to talk him into it and not to hold me responsible for his past but he said now is not the right time . 3 months after our daughter was born he gave me a ring. and says you know what its for and didn’t even propose (so i guess now is the right time). I went from 100lbs to 165lbs after our daughter and im only 4’11". He was all over me before our daughter and couldn’t keep his hands off of me and now he wont hardly touch me. when he hugs me he just stares up into the ceiling and pats my pack like im a baby or just keeps one hand on my back still and leaves the other one hanging by his side. when he kisses me its really quick and simple just a peck on the lips. he don’t tell me im beautiful anymore or how sexy and hot i am anymore. i have tried talking to him about this and he says that im crazy. i thought maybe he needed a break for a while and could call when he decided what he wanted, because despite his past relationships (he gave those women everything and they ran all over him) he is the only one i ever want to be with. After 7 years i still get butterflies around him, i think about him all the time, he is my everything, he and our family. he don’t want that. he don’t want me to leave because he says he loves me but deep down inside i feel he is just with me for our daughter. he suggested counseling and i agreed so we are going to marriage counseling. we have our 2nd appointment wednesday. i just feel so alone. i have no one to talk to up here. i don’t want to bother my inlaws because they are going through alot right now with a friend of the family in and out of the hospital and i don’t want my family to know. they are really backwards people-they would just make things worse for me. all i do is cry. i feel like in nothing. fat and ugly and just here to fill his empty space. i feel like he is with me for our daughter because he tried everything possible with the other daughters moms to stay with them- he knew they cheated on him, took all he had and when they dumped him he moved on. He was so inlove with them and they tore him apart. I think he is with me for our daughter and just settles for me just so he can be with her. also he don’t want to disappoint his parents with another failed relationship and a child involved. to be honest my daughters are the only thing keeping me going right now. i am soooo inlove with him and i think i disgust him. i hate myself so bad because i think that it is my appearance that is his problem is it why is he like this Please help
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The problem began when you made the decision to leave to move 8 hours from your career and your family for a man who from all indications is not in love with you. He cheated on you with one of the daughters mothers from a previous relationship. Cheating is not a confession of love. He does not want to take a chance on marrying you because of past relationship. Love is worth taking the chance of getting married if he was in love with you. He gave you a ring but without a proposal. What was the purpose of the ring? You even doubt his love when he voiced the words but you think that he is with you for your daughter. He could be in love with the other daughters mothers because you say that he chose you when the ones that he did everything for dumped him. Being second best is not a good thing when it comes to being number one in another person’s life.
Your nursing career identified you and not the man of whom you have put on weight for and cry over most of the time. You cry because you are lonely and even said that you feel that you are away from your family to "fill his empty space." You are too valuable with a nursing career and the common sense to write to ask for help in addition to seeking counseling.
You must remember that men live in the real practical world of if it is not broke then try not to fix it. He can be agreeing with you as a new fangled idea of counseling because he probably thinks that you need something to do. For all you know, he could be getting his sexual satisfaction from one of the daughter’s mothers again but is of course keeping it from you.
Women more often then not have a notion that what they feel about the man is reciprocated. Reciprocation was not the case and your boyfriend said that he did not know that you left your career for him. You do not want to think about the possibility of him being with someone but that once, but is why isn’t he more intimate with you? It seems that he is spending time with you looking at the ceiling and agreeing with counseling just to silence you instead of wanting to be with you especially sexually.
At that time, you said that he was forgiven for cheating on you with a previous girlfriend. An "I did not know answer" is an admission of ignorance and not an invite for forgiveness. That is the second thing that you did wrong and that was to forgive him when it was obvious that he had no feelings for you. Twice in your relationship issue, you sited how much you are in love with him. You used to love him when you were whole and complete with a career as a nurse and sixty five pounds lighter.
You say that your daugther is why he continue to stay in the live in relationship but I think that it is for convenience. A pat on the back and a peck once in a while indicates that he is treating you like his daughter instead of his live in girlfriend after a nine year relationship.
It is a good thing that counselling has began with the two of you,however. Hopefully the counselling will help. In the mean time, you need to get back to yourself and not necessarily move back to your orginal residence but get a job as a nurse and take better care of yourself in the weight department. If you reread the post, you will see very little reason to love the man that you are with now except in remembrance of how things used to be between the two of you when you had yourself together with a career and closer to your family.
It is not your appearance this is his problem or he would have told you or hinted. It is the fact that you are a different person now and having sacrificed your career and past family life for him, he probably feels obligated to stay but not necessarily to get into an intimate relationship. Remain in counseling until a solution is found for the relationship problem of your live in boyfriend does not want to touch you anymore.
It is very hard to lose weight after child birth for most women. I am so sorry for your situation. Just because you moved so far away from family and friends doesn’t mean you can’t go to them for support. You don’t need to be face to face. Reach out and touch one of them. Family support is what you need right now.
Start trying to get closer to your previous weight is slow steps. It will take time.
Even then, he still might not want you, because it sounds like he has lost that loving feeling. If he truly loved you, the way you love him, it wouldn’t matter if you weighed 350 lbs.
Stop blaming yourself so much and talk to your family.
Randi,
Look you’re in a very tentative relationship with a very damaged man. Your relationship is humiliatingly dependent on this man’s sex-fantasy views of you. It ain’t real marriage he wants from you—like a normal man. He wanted to sleep with tiny cute cartoon figure of you, like Betty Boop—all curls, curves, and girlish laughs. Now that you are a real mommy and half-again bigger than his ‘ideal’ girl, this guy is already casting for your replacement.
Advice: I don’t know what’s worse for your soul a) being happily ‘slaved’ to his fantasies, or b) or being a rejected ‘slave’ for gaining weight. It occurs to me this, none of this is real love, Miss. So, what to do? Lose weight and for you own sake lose him, go back to nursing school. You can’t live a fulfilling life as a ‘character’ inside a sick man’s head. God Bless, hug your real babies.
WOW! You gave up everything for someone that was unwilling to commit to you. How does that happen. You became an empty soul to be with him? How did he enhance and intertwine in your life if that is the case. What I will just throw in the air is that you have reached that 8 year mark where you are either gonna make it or you won’t. Is he in your bed every night? It is time for your to discover who you are..working, losing some weight and setting goals for you feeling good and not basing everything on his response. The past relationships..well they gotta go. You have no place to constantly tear him down over that..It is done. Move forward. Stop downing yourself and do something for you.
ok lets start from the begining, 1stly you need to maintain a life for yourself so as you dont get lonely, this is up to you no one even your man cant do this for you, join mother n baby clubs in the area or join in the commintity to get yourself new friends i know this is hard but in the end it will pay,
2nd your man has brought baggage you havent and thats what hurts, you are able to more forward and he cant, thats just in his make up but that doesnt make him a bad person
when you go councilling let him and the person opposite you both know that you want to lay your cards on the table and hope that he does too…..show that you are willing to bring everything out in the open to hopefully get it solved dont rationlise everything too much try and enjoy what you do , and have and maybe you can build from that.
at this point i know its hard but just try and go with the day to day….you will lose the weight dont panic the more you stress the more you will comfort eat. and anyway women are the only ones that see this as a issue, i bet your gezza doesnt even notice.
things are new for you, but you are resenting new!!! change is sometimes a great thing, keep up with councilling and you will both get there, good luck let me know how you get on xxxxx
Stop obsessing over weather or not your husband still loves you or not and start thinking of yourself for a change, Go on a good diet and exercise program. and don’t do this for your husband do it for yourself. If you live near the beach you can run or walk on the beach for exercise. You need to do something that will make you feel better about yourself.
I know you have a 3 yr. old, which is a lot of work. But if you’re not working start doing sit ups and walking at least an hour day. Your weight is his problem!! If you lose at least 30 lbs. he’ll be all over you again. Change your diet!! When he sees you are trying to lose weight he’ll be more sympathic. Stop crying and start exercising!! You can do it!!!
he already had a track record of having scattered children, 2 previous failed relationships a child with each ex, you should have taken that into consideration before having another one of his child
you became pregnant before the actual marriage, and now you think that he is only with you because the child there is a high possibility that this may be the case, but you can’t blame him because no one forced you to leave behind your career or family
I think it’s best that you go back home and start your life over again, don’t waist anymore time on some one who is "settling" for you, you deserve to find someone who will value you to the fullest.
leave
tldr