We have been together for about 4 years and have the most beautiful 2 year old baby girl. My wife and I are very unhappy and don’t seem to be able to understand each other. We both feel unappreciated and we fight very often (at least two to three times per day). I am tired of it and sometimes believe that I would be better off alone (she does too). She is very beautiful and I think I still love her. She is a wonderful mom to our daughter. She expect so much out me and never stops complaining about stuff that I may have done (left the news paper on the kitchen counter instead of my office?!?!!)
Any insight welcome
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I’m sorry to hear of your situation, you both need to step back and take a breather, it is so hard when you are starting out, I just think you need time for mom and dad not just baby girl.. ya know?!!
First of all you both need to establish that you still love one another. My first impression is that you both still love one another, one because your here, asking for advice to make things better because you love her. And two because she is complaining, I know your like, WHAT?!?!?!?
The reality is that her complaining is that she is trying to communicate her displeasure about something. The trivial things that she is complaining about such as leaving the paper on the kitchen counter is an issue that is on the surface of something else. Welcome the complaining, because she is trying to communicate. So it is very apparent that you both still love one another, even if at times you may feel you do not.
Now for the real down to earth work on the relationship. Both of you have to completely understand the other’s needs. There is a great site on the web that has a document that I have downloaded to help you with this. You can contact me for the document, or you can search for it on the site that I have listed in Sources. The basic concept is that everyone in a relationship has needs from the other. A need to feel wanted, a need to spend time together, a need for physical intimacy, etc etc.
Odds are that one or both of you are not satisfying a critical need or needs of the other. In order to correct this, you have to both understand the ranked importance of each need.
Once you have completed this, sit down with each other and discuss them. Notice I did not say fight about them. Communication is the willingness to sit down and listen whole heartedly what the other has to say, and expect that when the other is done speaking thier mind, that you in turn will have the opportunity to speak your mind as well. Good communication comes from being objective, taking an outside approach of sorts to the issues at hand. Not taking anything that is criticaly said about yourself, and being open to understanding why they feel critical of you.
Be prepared to hear some things about you that she really cannot stand, and let her speak!!!! Listen to her, and pay attention, think of ways that you could improve yourself, to help her with her frustrations. Do not take the things she says personally, or that she does not love you, believe me if she is telling you, she loves you, and just wants you to understand.
Go to the site I have listed below, this page specifically has a ton of material on Emotional Needs. Start there, and search this site further for more information, Iam sure somewhere you can find the methods of improving your relationship with your wife.
I do wish you the best of luck, the important thing is that you are starting now, and that will get you to where you want to be, happy, and still in love with one another. If you have further issues, let me know, Ill see if I can help dtread1974@yahoo.com
One of the key words you used was Unappreciated and that both of you are feeling that way. This tells me that the two of you are not talking, well maybe talking but not hearing what the other one is saying. As others have said getting someone to listen to what you both have to say and help you understand what is being said is the best way to go. If you think you two can sit down and talk and hear what is being said then go for it. But I will tell you that it is hard to do. You can not be thinking about what you are going to say next. You have to listen to what is being said. Each journey starts with a single step.
If you love her, if you think she is beautiful, and a wonderful mom to your daughter… TELL HER! Tell her early and often. Everyday think of something good about her, and tell her. Think of what she does, whether little or much, and let her know that you appreciate her. If she feels underappreciated she is likely to feel insecure and therefore discontent and cause her to complain more, but if you let her know what she means to you, it will not only make her feel more secure, but it will help you improve your attitude towards her too.
This probably won’t happen overnight, however, if she doesn’t respond to any of this within a reasonable time, sit down and talk with her about it calmly and fairly, and continue to let her know how much you appreciate her. If this doesn’t work, marriage counceling is a good option.
she is also the mom of your daughter now.she may feel like she is not "sexy"let her know everday you appreciate her and all she does and every now and again go out. i am married,one son and i started feeling like the maid. i talked to hubs and expressed concerns,things are better. today,4-16,we celebrated our 14th anniversary,robinp.p.s. her little pet peeves try to remember those,i don’t know why,but the smallest things make a difference,me
All of this sounds familiar. I’m sorry. Don’t give up, either of you. Take it from someone who knows, divorce is ugly. You are going to always love each other even if you divorce and think you hate each other some days. The love will always be there somewhere. Usually, it does not get better w/ another person. It adds more trouble to your life…another person, step kids, child support, certain visitation hours, your child not living w/ their mom and dad. Oh, it will seem good at first but then you settle into your relationship and then picture it being like where you are now but having step-children that do not like you or mabye they will but their dad will hate you, picture now having to pay over $400 a month child support while trying to raise an additional family. These are just some of the hundreds of examples. I wish I was married one time. It didn’t get better in each new one. Do you know that I have two former spouses that call me and say they wish we would have stayed together? You don’t realize what you have until you lose it. God intended for us to be married one time. To protect us, not hurt us. Do you want another man raising your child? You can always make the best of a new step family situation but it’s going to be harder than what you are in now. What you going to do when second family decides to leave you for someone else? Now you may be on to your third family and now paying child support to two different woman. Even if no child support, you leave a little of you behind in each relationship. Plus, you take those peole with you, they are part of you, part of your memories. You’ll wonder why # 2 isn’t like #1 and why #3 did it this way instead of that way. Relationships can be hard, all of them. Stay with you wife for you, for her, and for your beautiful 2 year old. Men and woman don’t understand each other sometimes. She’s a wonderful mother? That’s a good quality. Woman, me included, do expect a lot. My husband from 1989 still brings up the fact that he couldn’t vacuum right to hear me tell it. Love is: continuieng to love someone even when you feel like you don’t or can’t love them anymore. It will come back. Take it one day at a time. Do yall go to church? Go to providencecommunity.com and look up the sermon on divorce. I think it was back two years ago if it’s still in there. God really does hate divorce. You can divorce but all three of you will pay a high price for it for the rest of your lives. What do we do if we mess up? Like me? I really didn’t know….all I can do is start from today and go forward. I wish someone would have had this conversation with me. Go to counseling and learn new ways to love your wife. Do you pray for each other? Do you pray together? Do you have a date night once a week? We were told, try to out love one another. Meaning…what can you do for her? What can she do for you? Stay together. If you don’t, you’ll one day wish that you did. I am so happy for those that have been with the same spouse. Your wife doesn’t mean to be so demanding….. I think we woman think, "Well if he loved me and if he wanted to help me out, then he’d…blah, blah, blah, etc…." She’s really trying to express herself and let’s it out Vs just picking it up herself (the newspaper) or keeping it in. I still have a lot to learn. I am trying to be a better wife myself. I heard that we shouldn’t nag…that we should be fun to be around. I’m going to try it. It will be hard for me because I like things a certain way. I want to try not to expect or need so much. He says if I do, then he’ll give more. It’s a mess sometimes. If you leave your marriage I promise that you will one day wish you would not have. You probably did’t want a book on this subject did you? Sorry. Hey, I just tried to find the sermon on divorce but could not find it. Maybe you can email back on the website and ask if it’s available. Listen to any and all of the Sng of Soloman series…….it is good on husband and wife stuff. I never knew all that sex and mushy stuff was in the bible. I will say a prayer for your family of three. You know, my marriage that I am in now is the hardest one I have ever been in but I am determined for it to work. Divorce is not an option for either of us. If you can’t do this for you, do it for your daughter. Do you want her to think it’s okay to divorce? Do you want her to say, well,it’s okay for mommy and daddy. Show her that commitment means something. Show her you can make it throught the tough times. Loveing God, then loving her mother is the best thing you can do for her. Don’t show her that men and daddies leave. I better stop now.
Have you tried to have some adult time with out the child. Having kids is an enormous responsibility and sometimes we loose sight of what started the family.
Man
Have you tried counseling? I do not think that separation is an option over here. Is just that you got distant of each other. Tell her that you still want to try and ask if she does too. If yes, look for marriage counseling and promise to each other that yo will follow thru. But please, this may be your last change, look for a good counselor!!!!!
Good Luck (Actually I am trying to do the same in my marriage…..:))
sometimes its just better to give up on a relationship. I was at that point with mine and she did really shady stuff to try and keep me like faking a pregnancy …twice once using a fake preg test and once using fake ultra sound pics all purchasable online. To fix a relationship it takes both people working on fixing it together. You cannot just keep bending to her will and let her walk all over you. There has to be a mutual line drawn or else your going to be miserable the rest of your life with her. The b!tch!ng about the newspaper is just her lashing out at you for something small because she’s still heated up about something else that she already b!tched about.
How would you feel if she were dead? Or if you came home and she were just gone? Would you be devestated?, Hurt?, Releived?
Think about it. Life is too short to fight all the time, you never know what will happen and the last thing you say to someone, may actually be that. The Last thing I said to her was….
you have to try! listen more, keep your damn mouth shut, she may be right!you do not have to be right all the time.first stop fighting. the best way to end an argument is (TO AGREE). THINK ABOUT IT. LET HER BE RIGHT NOW SO YOU CAN GET TO THE CORE AND REBUILD..BECAUSE IF YOU LOSE A GOOD MOM,A PRETTY WIFE YOU WILL REGRET NOT TRYING HARDER THE REST OF YOUR UNSETTLED LIFE. AND AT THAT POINT OF UNDERSTANDING IF YOU SEE YOU DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER SO BE IT……may god bless. right now at night start praying (thy will be done).
Remember to communicate with each other. If you feel like your relationship is worth saving then tell her what you’re telling us. (how wonderful she is) you’ll regret losing her if you don’t give it a shot. You never know she may be thinking the same things that you are. And really is the newspaper worth getting a divorce over? I know you used that as an example but give me a break. You guys can do this if you try hard enough. It sounds like you’re both giving up. Try marriage counseling it may work.
honestly, go see a marriage counselor. sounds like u2 wanna work it out.
your young,,,,give it time,,,and when you grow up,,,you will be ok…. make smart decisions.