i need some guidence from someone who is understanding of my situation..please! i have been with my husband for 4 years. We just got married in january because he is in the military and being in a long distance relationship is hard. throughout our relationship porn has always been a problem. Call me old fashioned if you want, but i hate porn…i hate that he likes it. he’s made several promises to me that he wouldn’t watch it and he’s broken them everytime. We weren’t together for a year because he’s in the military and everytime i would visit him there was always soooo much porn hidden on his computer..and its disturbing porn to such as trannies (what does that mean??? why does he like that??? he wont talk to me about it) but he also watches regular porn too it hurt me so bad when i found them, especially because there was so much of it and it would say that he watched it ALOT .. like several times a day. but i was understanding of him watching it because i was so far away. he told me he wouldn’t watch it anymore when we move in together since we’d be having sex. Well, we’ve been living together for a month and last night i was tired so i went to bed. I woke up about two hours later because he flushed the toilet and it was loud. i layed in bed trying to go back to sleep and i hear the porn video so i come out into the living room and see him masterbating to it. i feel so betrayed. i told him i was going to leave him and he started to cry..i felt bad, but im not going to put up with this. He could have woke me up and had sex with me. and ever since we’ve been together he doesnt ever touch me or kiss me or hug me or compliment me or tell me he loves me…the only time he ever kisses or touches me is before we have sex (and sometimes he doesn’t even do that…he just wants to go right into the sex) i told him i need affection..i’ve been without it for a whole year and now that we’re finally together i still dont have it. And i also told him that it hurts me that he pays more attention to other girls more than me. He never checks me out. And it also bothers me that guys check me out more than he does. im just so torn. I cant look at him the same anymore…i just get sick to my stomach. and i feel like he’s not in love with me because when you love someone you always want to touch them and kiss them and hug them…especially if you havent been together for a whole year! he says he’s going to fix things but i just cant believe him…he’s broken my trust so many times. i dont know what to do. should i let him try to fix things or should i get a divorce??? im just so hurt and depressed and i think he’s going to keep hurting me. HELP PLEASE!
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Sorry to hear that but most marriages encounter such problems, and even in some relationships. To make things simple, you only have two choices, either to get a divorce or cope with your husband. I hope you won’t get a divorce that easily cause those kinds of problems can be fixed. If you really love him, the first thing you should do is to have a nice talk with him that it bothers you so much about how things are going. On the other hand, you should also understand that the things that are happening are just normal and it only matters on how you both handle them. As a piece of advice but not forcing you to do so, why not watch with him and see what it is that he likes about watching porn and try to learn from it. Try to unleash the inner beast within you, explore and try new things when it comes to sex. That way you might get him to want you more. There is nothing to be ashamed being nasty when it comes to sex. Especially if that person is your better half. If these still won’t help, here are some tips and advices on how to save your marriage. Good Luck!
There is a tremendous amount of mind manipulation within many sexual presentations that you are more than likely not aware of. Many are disguised as natural sexual attraction which hides them even further. Become familiar with them and the methods to free yourself from these unwanted intrusive elements. They are too many to mention here, all is written in the book below. hope you use it well.
in addition I have a yahoo group on sexual addiction at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sagessolut…
it is not like he has the ability to stop because of will power, it is not like he will stop because he loves you enough, it is not a matter of finding you attractive enough to stop. it has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with the mind manipulations that are pulling at him. I hope that helps you.
Any idiot telling you that it is you and not him is, well, an idiot. Like you should not have any kisses, hugs or compliments just because it gets in the way of porn. I think that guy that said that is just a women hater.
You either need to leave, seek help or you can try what I did with my boyfriend of 9 years. During the phases he would watch porn sex would SUCK! 2 minutes flat and he is done. I am left high and dry. He also became verbally abusive. I had had it. So here is my suggestion to every women who does not want to be a doormat. Because, lets face it, telling women men are going to look at porn but we have to remain faithful to you is a double standard…
This is what I do with men that pull the whole "men are visual women are emotional so you wouldn’t understand" crap. I go to websites and chat/ hardcore flirt with men in other countries. Your husband, of course is going to freak out. Explain to them its about emotional sexuality – you wouldn’t understand. He will probably say he has a problem with it because it is a real person. I explain that women in porn are real too. Women aren’t toys. He will persist that something could happen more in this case because it is a real person. I point out the fact that it would be pretty obvious if you jumped on a plane to Sydney. Whereas if he clicked on one of the many advertisements on porn sites, like " meet lonely local housewives for discrete sex" I would be none the wiser. Also, you might as well point out the he doesn’t give a rats behind about you so whats the big deal if someone else does?
If he does continues to have a problem with it, he is employing a double standard and you either have to accept it or leave. Face it, you are being emotionally neglected. He isn’t going to do anything about it. There are plenty of men out there(ONLY if there is a huge body of water between you) that would be willing to chat and make you feel appreciated.
EDIT: Your wrong May, emotional neglect is a form of emotional abuse.
Sorry to hear about this but I also believe its a normal man thing to watch porn even though you may dislike it. My husband watches and looks at porn as well. And I as well as you can’t stand it I have never liked for him to do it. I did however feel somewhat emotionally n physically distant from him for this reason. N and I forced him to choose between me and the porn. He chose me but every now and then he has a little slip up. But that’s normal. Talk to him if he truly loves you he will at least try to give it up?
The problem is not him , it’s you.
He has always watched porn and would like to continue to. You want him to change.
You more or less forced him to make a promise he didn’t really want to.
How about rather than you making him change , you do ?
If changing is so easy, how about you change instead? and stop being so prude and let him watch if he wants to.
I understand how you feel. I usually get jealous when my husband watches porn… and I feel it a lot like he isn’t affectionate with me, etc. The truth is, men will always watch porn. I don’t know of any who do not and I have come to terms with that. There isn’t much you can do for that. For affection, you’ve told him how you feel, so just see if he understands that. I always have to initiate affection with my husband, and he only realizes I’m hurt when I actually cry and tell him… lol then he usually tries hugging me more (but forgets very quickly). Your husband is not a bad husband… he doesn’t cheat or abuse you, any of the problems you usually read on here. He is just a man. Is it really worth divorcing over?
Edit: It is Just Me- Any person on here can only speak from experience and opinion, so I do not appreciate that you added I am wrong. I can just as easily say you are wrong. What man really understands all the emotions of a woman? You need to communicate them and he still won’t be perfect every time. I am very happy with my husband and I still have days I want to complain or I feel this way, as I am sure many women do. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions about abuse.
Tell him you’d like to go to marriage counseling and a sex therapist. I’m serious, and go to church if he comes thats better. You gotta get him to listen to God so that he can enlghten his conscience enough to where he feels bad enough about the porn to make a change even though he loves it and is addicted. Trust me, I was addicted to porn for years and the only reason I quit was because I felt so bad after doing it every time that I finally couldn’t take it anymore and I changed myself. You’ve got to be patient, divorce is not the answer, it’s just a quick fix.. But you’ll find someone else with different problems to deal with I promise…
Everything your husband does isn’t that terribly unusual among "normal" men – not that that’s an excuse! Liking porn? Check. Even when they can have sex with a real pesron? Check. Even liking weird porn like trannies? Check. Skipping foreplay during sex? Again, check. Having a wandering eye? Check, check, check.
I’m not saying you should put up with all or most of this, but you have cut him at least a little slack and understand that you probably will never get him to stop doing ALL of these things – it’s not "betrayal" when he masturbates, just a bad habit – it’s not like he’s cheating on you!
You both need to go to marriage counseling – but remember that BOTH of you will need to reset your expectations – it’s not 100% on his shoulders to fix everything.
wow honey. i’m so sorry you’re going through this. i do think you should get divorced. porn means more to him than you, porn is a higher priority than you, if he loves you he would show it and act like it and he doesn’t. also, about the trannies… he might be gay. you could get an annulment because of that, claim to not have known he was gay until now and it will be alot easier. again i am so sorry for you, my husband is active in the military as well and our marriage is nothing like this. you need a big hug! i really feel for you. please leave him, remember him as only a mistake and try to find some one who really loves you next time. best of luck honey.
Go with your instinct because I think you’re right.
He’s going to keep breaking your trust and hurting you by watching porn. There’s something going on with him and he has to share it and overcome it or he’ll lose you. He has to want to change and make things happen.
If he doesn’t do it, you owe it to yourself to leave him and try to enjoy your life. It’s not fair to you.
Take care!
He’s addicted to porn. It’s your choice how long you try to stick it out with him and hope it ends if it ever does. Do you really want this kind of marriage? There are men out there that aren’t. Ten years from now what will you feel like about yourself if you and him are still in the same place with it? Let alone you and he then have kids and you can’t leave because of a sense of responsibility to your kids? You’ll be resentful as heck and wish you’d left sooner. What advice would you give your own daughter to do if she were in this situation? Make him attend a sex/porn addict program. If he won’t, then move on.