I’ve been married now for 8 yrs and things are just miserable.
My wife is a great person and I admire her still. She is beautiful, strong, and successful. She is very smart and we have an awesome child together. I am quite successful myself and we have built quite a dynasty here.
But, as always, there is a kink in the armor. Trouble started when we had difficulty conceiving and the strain of that really set in. Sex became a marker of failure rather than an opportunity for intimacy. Things were very forced and timed and we still did not succeed. We had our child after we basically "gave-up" and were scheduled to do fertility treatments in the next few months.
Even though we were happy to become pregnant and eventually have our child, we never reconnected. I always had the impression she was doing me a favor by having sex. I was always the one who initiated and she would decline about 1/2 the time or more. I don’t deal well with rejection…an internal flaw…its just who I am.
Having sex went from weekly to every other week. She has the cranky PMS thing so I stay away about 2 weeks out of the month. Life and child got in the way, and sex became so rare, that now it is non-existent.
Sex and intimacy in our relationship were never really that great the way I see it. She is pretty vanilla, and I have a wild adventurous side. I just put that part of me to the side as I was happy to be with her and figured fantasies would carry me otherwise. I miss that part of me.
The lack of sex has led to so many other problems: communication, validation, wandering eyes, and general lack of interest.
I want more from life. I feel like I let this thing go for 4 years and there is really no return. As I mentioned, I do still admire her and I am not sure I want to be away from her.
So is this reason to bolt? Am I just being a whiner? Do all marriages suck like this?
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Alot, if not most, marriages suck like this. Pardon the pun.
You really should talk to her or talk to a therapist. If neither of you are communicating or happy, neither of you will be happy.
Try to fix things before you bail.
I don’t think this anywhere near rises to the level of your bolting, I do not think you are a whiner. Who cares what other marriages are like, you only have to worry about your own. Does your wife have any idea how you feel and for that matter do you have any idea what she is feeling? I suspect you both want the same thing out of your marriage but you are not working together to obtain it. I truly think seeing a marriage counselor, an objective party who can hone in on the real problems and offer solutions, is all you two need. You have so many good things in your lives, don’t let it slip away from apathy.
this is kind of gross- probably only to me since they are my parents- but i was talking about why some married couples don’t have sex (mum’s a nurse and used to work for one of those premature ejaculation places and is really open about this stuff) and she was telling me that a lot of married people stop working on it and put sex to the side. that they don’t communicate about what they want from sex, they don’t realise the different needs when one person is visual and can look at something to feel aroused but the other is sensual and needs massages and to hear that the other person loves them. so it’s basically lack of self education and experimentation
so anyway, considering i’m only 21 i’m a total expert on sex and i think what you need to do is ask your wife if she wants to still have sex? if she says yes then ask her what she would like to be different. because i suspect that you guys are different "types" and need to be turned on in different ways and if you both did this for eachother the sex would be better and more frequent.
also, take a trip to a sex shop and try stuff. that doesn’t mean do weird things you’re not comfortable with, it means see what she is interested in and she will see what you are interested in and you can both try it. because she is older and more mature she is probably a lot more open to trying things than she was.
really though, sex seems to be a cause for a lot of your other problems so ask her if it’s something she still wants and go from there. because at this stage, she could be just as unhappy as you for the exact same reason.
So is this reason to bolt?
No. It’s a reason to enjoy all the good things about your marriage *and* to satisfy your wild adventurous side with your wife’s blessing.
Am I just being a whiner?
No. Sex is one of the most important and pleasurable things in life. If you had thought your marriage would be sexless, would you have married? I’m guessing no. It’s fundamental.
The sexes are not equal in this. There is a clear difference between men and women in all cultures in all times. I know lots of men whose idea of a good time is to have sex with many, varied and beautiful women. I don’t know any women likewise.
Your wife has already got what she wants from the marriage: a good husband and child. You should have satisfaction too. She is not intending to be unfair, but it is very very unfair. It is normal and natural for a woman to have a starting point of "no". Your marriage needs to be explicitly set up so your satisfaction is required, either through sex with her, or sex with others, or both.
Do all marriages suck like this?
No. After ten years marriage, my wife and I agreed to permit sex, and even love, with others on one condition: no divorce or re-marrying. This is the best thing that ever happened to me, because I get the satisfaction of other, young women, and it makes me love and appreciate my wife so much. It also makes sex with her better. We also have an agreement that we have sex any time and every time I want to have sex. She usually gets interested once we have started. But if it’s the other way around, and starting depends on *her* feeling like it, you’ get what you’ve got, and it’s unfair to the man. Why should you be exploited to provide faithful support to your wife and child, and your most important needs not be met?
Also, divorce is very bad for you; and for your child. Best avoided if possible.
It is probably more doable to obtain her agreement than you might think. How you go about it is the most important part. It needs to be done properly.
You need to reconnect with your wife with more than just sex, in my opinion. Try imagining you are DATING her rather than feeling hard done by because of ‘no sex’. She isn’t adventurous? What have YOU done to make her feel comfortable with sex? Do you treat her like a Princess? You make it sound like she is a hole you want to bang every other week so that you get what you want!
Some women can feel USED and hence dread sex as a chore to be tolerated, because the husband feels it is her duty to him in the marriage.
Let me tell you, as a woman, it is hard to feel ‘in the mood’, when all your husband does is make you feel guilty because you aren’t immediately lubricated and ready on demand!
Try to remember what made you connect as a couple in the beginning. Find a babysitter one night, surprise her with a lovely night out, finish with a warm bath and champagne, and LEAVE HER ALONE! Do not pressure her, be patient and loving, and explain the night is all about her, explain that you feel she is worth your time. Sex comes from trust.
Another night, arrange a massage at a health spa for the two of you, give her surprises, a rose, a line of poetry on her pillow, in short, romance her! Clean the house! Cook her dinner! You will be amazed how sexy we women feel when the dishes are done!
Do not guilt her into feeling like a giant warm place for your sex drive, a hole to fill YOUR need! Make her fall in love with you again!
Well I’m a newlywed so don’t have much experience about marriage yet. But from what I see romance does matter in a relationship. Whoever says love is all we need that matters the most that’s just pathetic. I mean we all have desires right? Sex does take a lot of part in a marriage life so I recommend you to talk with your wife seriously. She needs to understand her man needs romance. I find it very weird sleeping in the same bed and not having sex at all. Of course you are being reasonable. I totally think you have the right to think this way for whatever she has done. The only way to solve this problem is to talk to her n explain her she really needs to wake up.
Hi, i’m not sure this will be any help, but your question could have been written by my husband.
I don’t know what happens to us women- it somehow becomes a chore (i know that sounds awful), and it’s a wonder we’re still together, I guess.
This might shock you or your wife, but I recently discovered if I watch porn – on the internet or something, it makes me feel like sex- as I said, you might think that’s terrible, but my husband’s not complaining, cause i feel like having sex sometimes instead of not at all.
We also have some "toys" if you know what I mean
I’m really sorry to hear this. i have only been married 2 months and i have realized that sex is a big thing in marriage. A few times of rejection or feeling like the person isnt meeting your needs is good enough to throw you off. From the proffesional advice i’ve read that the feeling of refection or whatever negative feeling you have can last and be hard to ge rid of. It puts an awkward feeling to that peson no matter how much you love your spouse. I tell you from experience. My husband was finishing way quicker than usual not meeting anything close to my needs and going to sleep. sometimes he would finish without telling me an dthen just act like he cant finish when in fact he already had. that really upset me because i felt like he didnt care about my needs and i didnt understand why he could just be honest. Your wife should really not decline you sexually. It’s something important and it has a lot to do with the relationship. I recently went to a marriage retreat with my husband along with a few co workers (he;s in the army) and we watched dvd clips by Mark Gungor. They will be very helpful tou you and your wife.
I think the problem with sex in marriages is a matter of satisfaction and romance. She needs to know you’re really into her and not just trying ot get your rocks off ignoring her rocks. The celebrator ( google it ) and the rainbow beam ( fantasia 1 yr warranty ) will stimulate and train her body to be responsive to sexual stimulation. Most men feel intimidated by these gadgets but the truth of the matter is that all women really need them for gratication like what men are looking for. You’re affulent, buy her these toys, show her what stimulation feels like, her body can be trained to enjoy making love again. Here’s what will work: Take her out to a nice dinner, have pleasant stress free conversation, get her drunk if that applys to her personality, take her to a hotel, bring out the toys and use them, tell her how beautiful she is, take your time, maybe a half hour to an hour to let her achieve her goal. Then make love to her. Do this a few time, unrushed, soon your sex life will be what you want it to be. It make take her 45 mins the first time, soon 30 mins, then after a while 10 mins…The stupid part of marriages is that men want to get their rocks off and they do so fast so women are left unfulfilled. It takes dedication and consideration. It sounds like you want your marriage to work. She needs to develop new emotions toward making love, and she needs to feel good to make it work. Good Luck!
i’m surprised to read under what you describe as a sexless marriage that you have sex every second week. try reading "the passionate marriage".
you could also go see a sex therapist trained by the above book’s author. try going away on some vacations. ask your wife about her dreams, her disappointments and what she wants from life. and be open to it, without focussing on your sexual goal.
get to know her all over again, like when you first met.
the boredom and assumptions kills desire.
ask her if there is something about you that bothers her.
my bf and i are struggling and i feel though he’s great he doesn’t always have space to "see" me.
and he can often be cocky especially in company and this kills my desire for him.
but i tell him, and we keep trying.
i would not bolt yet, without really trying.
it seems like you have a lot to work for:
your child, your great wife, your dynasty. all that will be upset if you bolt. take your time.
really take your time and try to work things out.
I didn’t read all of this, but if you’re not getting as much sex as you desire with her, then you REALLY need to talk with her, because sex and affection are a HUMUNGOUS part of marriage and sleeping in the same bed with them.
you really need to talk with her about this, that’s all I can say.
(and as for those idiot Christians who say sex is only for procreation, they are major hypocrites. would you honestly want to stay married to someone for the rest of your life after you have all the kids you want an then sex is offlimits forever even though you sleep in the same bed. hell no!)