I have been married for 2 years now. My husband was divorced once, and after the divorce he turned to drinking and resulting in him getting a DUI, the next thing was he had financial problems, I did not care about his problems because I love him, I changed him in a better person and he got his finances straight, but the only problem I have with him he still loves to drink, I hate it I cry myself to sleep when he is drunk because of the nasty things he says to me. What should I do, I love him too much to leave him, and he promised me at least 10 times that it will never happen again, and there is always some stupid excuse of "how he is stressed, or he needs to have fun sometimes too, but I just want it to stop, I am sick and tired of living a life like this. I don’t want to worry if he will get another dui, or what will happen in the future, i just want a normal life… what do you think i should do…?
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So if your husband is still a verbally abusive alcoholic, exactly how did you change him into a better person? I’d hate to think what he was like before you worked your magic on him. Worse still, you went into this joke you call a marriage with your eyes wide open. You knew what he was like, but you chose to ignore all the facts because you loved him, and now you’re on here crying and whining because you got exactly what you willingly chose. Grow up, get a divorce and next time you’re about to embark on a relationship, don’t fool yourself that you can "fix" people’s mental problems with love. As you should know by now, you can’t.
I have been told that Alcohol is like truth serum. So what ever hurtful things he is telling you may actually be true feelings. I know you do not want to hear that but think about it. They do not call it liquid courage for nothing. Sounds like a truly unpleasant person but if your love for him is more important to you then your happiness that’s your choice. Sorry for being so blunt but there is no other way of telling you.
I "used" to be married to an alcoholic…YOU CAN NOT CHANGE him….HE HAS to WANT to CHANGE…it doesn’t sound like you have children together "yet"…..which is a VERY good thing…we had a son together…he worked days…I worked nights so our son would always be with a parent vs a stranger to watch him…it didn’t take long…I called home on my night break one night…no answer…odd for 10:00 p.m. ~~~~ with a baby at home….called back at 11:00 pm still no answer…my job was only 15 minutes away….left work drove home….no husband…the baby was home by HIS SELF sound asleep in his crib….I grab the baby get in the car and see the husband coming out of a bar a block from our house staggering so bad it was a shame…had the BIG talk of course he PROMISED it would NEVER happen again….things appeared ok at least while I was at work…he always answered when I called home (at various times) but he would still drink….more so when I was home so he could go out with "the guys"….didn’t take long for him to leave our son again….AGAIN I go home cuz there’s no answer….this time NEITHER of them are there & it is almost midnight….I tear down the street in the car to the bar I knew he liked…sure enough he is in front of the bar "trying" to push the baby carriage home w/our son sound asleep in it….I jumped out of the car…grab my son….scream at him…go home….he never came home for 3 days…he was SO drunk he had NO recollection of seeing me or me grabbing the baby….he "thought" he "lost" the baby….he signed himself into a program….I told him if it ever happened again I would have him arrested….took about 6 months….did it again…and I had him arrested for "risk of injury to a minor" and got a divorce….I can tell u from experience….WE CAN NOT CHANGE them….THEY have to want the change enough to take the steps needed to be taken…..we are ALL under STRESS in this day & age….what if we ALL drank???? I also work at DMV in the administrative hearing unit where we have hearings on people that have received DUI charges….the stories are unspeakable….the people they have killed and have no memory of….the accidents they have caused and yet have no memory of even driving…and yet THEY live…usually without any injuries….except for the fact they have to live the rest of their life with the knowledge of what they have done to another….you need to reevaluate for YOURSELF….you can talk till you get hoarse….he will continue to drink UNTIL HE is ready to stop…which may be never….unfortunately the ball is in YOUR court and you will have to make the best decision for YOURSELF….I sure do wish you well….
I am not an expert and I don’t have a degree in counseling but I have listened to a Dr. who is a family counselor for 20+ years. When someone you love has a problem that effects you in this way you need to 1st ask him if he will go to counseling with you because it is effecting your marriage, if he refuses then you ,#2 need to take care of yourself by finding things to get your mind off of him and not be around him as much I have heard many testimonies of woman that find a prayer partner and pray that God will heal his Heart from the effect of his last relationship. He really doesn’t understand how it is effecting you. If you want to save your self and your marriage then try praying. I have been with the same woman for 8 years and we have almost nothing in common and she was once married and he left her for someone 1/2 his age and it messed her up bad, I have seen her change over the years and it is a struggle to hold on but I know God is working in her, she has a lot more peace these days.
As long as he isn’t fiscally abusive I would hang in there, nobody likes to be called names but they do it because they hate themselves and the only way to brake through to him is with Love and Patience. Thats my 2 cents, your only in it 2 years now is the time to make a decision.
been there,done that,got the t-shirt.
learn to live w/an alcoholic,bc no matter what he tells you,promises you,etc.etc.,he is gonna drink!
learn to live w/it or leave.it’s that simple.
no matter how much you love him,how understanding and supportive you are -he is going to drink!
going to Al-Anon WILL HELP-if you’re gonna stay w/him,these meetings may be the only thing to keep you sane.
GOOD LUCK-and God Bless You….
Leave!
Girl…..what did you expect? You accepted his behavior and now you want it to stop?????
Have you ever thought that you enabled him? It is called "co-dependency". You cannot save him. He has to WANT to save himself. And the more you push or manipulate him into changing, the more resentful he will become because, after all……..you tolerated it before, didn’t you? At least, in his mind…..you did…..you "saved" him. No, you didn’t. You manipulated him into being the kind of man YOU wanted and he feels betrayed because you want him to be someone he cannot be. It is an awful cycle and one that you started. The choice is yours. And there is a choice.
And really, you cannot truly love another person until you truly love yourself. And it seems that you "need" his problem to feel needed. And that is not self respect or loving yourself. You need his problems to feel better about being his "savior" and that is flat wrong. Rebuild your self esteem and maintain your self respect. Where there is a will, there is a way. It is your life and your life is what YOU make it. And if you choose to stay in this mess, well…….than you cannot blame your husband later on…..can you? After all, he did warn you and tell you that he is "just having fun and is stressed"……???? You can only be in denial for so long and make excuses for him and yourself for just so long until you run out of excuses. Then where will you be? You need to be honest with yourself. Your happiness is NOT your husband’s responsibility…..it is yours.
Get some therapy. How could you fall in love with an alcoholic? I would never have accepted that in the first place. You should know that you can’t change people and mold them the way you want them to be.
You will never have a normal life with this man. You cannot fix him. He is an alcoholic and won’t change until he decides to-any that will be in his time line, not yours. Leave and don’t look back. Make SURE you do not get pregnant,either. He is abusive to you,which will only get worse. Love? Love doesn’t leave you crying at night. How many more DUI’s will your hard earned money have to pay off?
The booze for him is enjoyable- it is his currency. Find another currency- be it another sport, dancing, hobby car, gym or something else you need to be sobre to participate in. Make him replace his love of the bottle with the love of somthing else.
Drinking is something he is able to stop. It’s in his control. He he choses to drink and you don’t like for whatever the reason is, then move on and divorce him. It’s hard but look at what he is putting you through, you don’t need to tolerate it if it makes you unhappy. God willing, he will be replaced with someone better.
Possibly threaten him that you will leave.
If he truly loves you then he will stop
drinking. If he is drinking at your house
get rid of all of the alcohol. Get him occupied so that he
doesnt drink. Take him to dinner, take him to a movie etc.
Make him get help… make it clear he has to change…
Go to Al-anon. It’s free and it teaches you about the disease he has. There are so many people in the same situation you’re in and it’s helpful to be around people who are dealing with the same issues. Good luck with this.
Leave him. He can never change, and you can’t change him. You can do better with someone out there who has control of their drinking and treats you right. It will be hard – and if you leave him it will hurt at first – but I guarantee you years down the line you will be happier if you leave him.
what does it matter what we think? you already said you love a lying boozing idiot too much to leave him so just deal with your lying boozer.
LOVE HIM.ALLYOUNEEDISLOVE.